I just cut my nipple shaving
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
