My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
party gras won. party gras always wins.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
