I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
