my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
