quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Randomize
