YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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