Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
