More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just found puke in my bra..
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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