I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
