Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
