Plan B is the new Plan A
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
