K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
