I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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