the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
