He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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