I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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