I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
third nipple confirmed
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
