Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I think my fart just growled at me.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
