Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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