they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Someone signed my nipple.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
