I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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