im having a threesome with these popsicles
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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