dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
