I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Randomize
