in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize