There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
