I could have mohawked her pubes.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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