Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
