when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
