I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
