As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
