one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
