final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
