hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Randomize
