your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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