I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
