So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Randomize
