I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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