Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I'm way too hungover for life right now
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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