mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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