Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
