He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize