Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
