Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
That's when you crack a 10am beer
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
