We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize