My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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