Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Randomize
