all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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