Apparently you make a good broom.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize