Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
