it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize