Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
