For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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