Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
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