it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
