he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
