I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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