There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
